My Beloved

Today is the six-month anniversary of my beloved husband's passing. Strangely, it is also his Birthday. His son and I are convinced that he did that on purpose. He was capable of mystical calculations and had a great appreciation for cosmic symmetry. He was/is my soul mate, and I miss him more than it is possible to express. The sadness has been almost unbearable. The intimate family memorial that we had planned had to be cancelled because of the Coronavirus. These are strange times for everyone, and everyone is dealing with a lot of uncertainty and loss. It's difficult to keep spirits up, but I try to go outside in the backyard for a few minutes each day. We planted some beautiful things back there, and they are all blooming right now. The Coral Vines have covered everything in sight, and they are attracting lots of bees and butterflies. The neighborhood is so quiet nowadays because there are so few cars out, so there are always lots of birds out there singing their songs. He always befriended small creatures, and I try to keep an eye out for those. I have received many signs from him over the past months -- a fox on my roof, a chance encounter with a reluctant psychic medium/mystic who approached me in a Target parking lot and blew my mind. And many, many other things. All of them have been so strange and so significant, but it's hard to write about them. I've been keeping a running list, though. Unfortunately, for the past two months, I have felt an indescribable heaviness. As if the air around me is thick and unbreathable. And it seems like gravity or electromagnetic fields are pushing me down and collapsing my lungs. I feel unreal. Not really here. Sometimes I wake up and have to pinch myself to make sure I am still in existence. But I forced myself to go into my studio today because he was always so happy when I was in there working on music. When he was having his treatments he was often very tired, and he said he always slept better if I was working on something creative. I ended up deciding to put some songs up on Bandcamp.
The collection is called "Little Family." It is FREE. I felt it was a good way to both mourn and celebrate him today.